A very very late poem for my sweet one year old...

A note to my spunky 1 year old. I've had this in my thoughts for awhile but I couldn't seem to find the time to put it together. I love you Nathanator!

Time comes and goes, some say it flies

Each day is filled with hellos and goodbyes

Little moments pass without our notice

until we sit back with time to reminisce

It was early in the morning when I first saw your face

after hours of exhaustion in a very long race

they handed you too me, with hair oh so dark,

it took only a moment for you to leave your mark

See you touched my heart in the most tender of ways

you were mine and still are for all of your days

it hasn't been long but you've grown oh so fast

I cry when I realize that these days wont last

each day is an adventure with wonder and joy

you light up with new sounds and every new toy

Your laughter is contagious as well as that smile

it makes all the long nights very worth while

Long nights are many, with nightmares and teething

and that anxious mother heart that wakes to check if your breathing

I learn from you each day as I watch you grow tall

you're never afraid to get up when you fall

You're driven and happy, with excitement for life

I hope you hold on to that through heartache and strife

You look like your daddy, you act like him too

it amazes me the similarities I see in you two.

I love you dear Nathan which I hope you'll always know

One year down, and forever to go :)

Life In Review

It's interesting to ponder as I sit here in a situation that rarely occurs. The baby is sound asleep, as is my Prince Charming. The house is quiet and clean and I've been left with a few quiet moments of my own on the eve of my 21st birthday. As I was sitting here boggled at having a few precious moments to my self with no expectations from me or anyone to be accomplishing something, I started to think on my life. Ya ya, those that are older are chuckling to themselves thinking why a spring chick like myself is trying to sound like I've lived so long, and I assure you I'm not, but it is a curious thing to think of only 21 short years, and how an independent unique person, with so many stories to tell has come from such a short time. 

My character has been flipped up down and inside out, stepped on, kicked, drug through the mud and in a small way, I'm slowly, but surely becoming who I want to be. I was born into a large family in a simple place, and taught simple truths of life. As a young girl I had dreams and passions, ideas of who I was and who I wanted to be. I dreamed of Prince Charming, that tall, dark and handsome kinda guy that was going to sweep me off me feet carrying me swiftly into the sunset. I dreamed of fancy clothes and and being a performer, singing songs that would be sung all over the country, and being that girl that I wanted to be.

 

As I grew my dreams started seeming reachable. I threw myself into music, spent way to much time on fashion and even more on dreaming of that Prince Charming that was so vital to my future. For a time those simple truths of life I was taught in that simple place were buried behind visions of glamour and that oh so fictitious love found in movies. As time passed my vision became even more clouded, but just for a time. 

As happens so often, those simple truths of life, taught by loving parents and family began to shine through, chasing away the vain clouds being replaced with sweet reality. Not often is reality paired with such a word as sweet. Reality is so often viewed and experienced as harsh and cold, but mine was quite different. You see, my dreams weren't all bad, they were just a little tainted and lacking. As I allowed reality to sink in and truth to take hold, a beautiful thing happened. One by one, my dreams began to be fulfilled one after another, beginning the shaping of a women that I needed to be. 

First came Prince Charming. He was, and is indeed tall dark and handsome, laced with some quirkiness and a tad of sarcasm. The day he walked into my life, my world changed in so many wonderful ways that I'm still discovering. He showed me a side of life and myself that I didn't know possible. Despite my overdose of modern romance, he taught me what it meant to really be loved. He showed me compassion, charity, service, and trust, and suddenly that girl that only believed in fairy tale endings realized that fairy tales are real, but in my world, of struggle, and sorrow, where you fight for what you want, they meant so much more and were so much better. 

Following the epic entrance of Prince Charming into my life my world exploded. I had a baby. I became a mother. I learned a new, unexplainable, and difficult side to love. Never have I given so much to one thing. never have I sacrificed so much. Never have I slept so little, and cried so much (this list could go on for awhile) but never have I received so much in return. All in one little smile, I once again started developing into the me I want to be. I learned that the simple things are the important things, and that all that I once thought was so important, really meant nothing at all. 

Life has changed, expectations have changed, but my dreams never did. One by one they're all coming true. Prince Charming has come and swept me off my feet. Those fancy cloths, well lets just say those high fashion models can't compare. I sport, spit-up, green beans, pears and sometimes a side of sweet potatoes, with sweat, pee and occasionally a little poop. On special occasions we smear foundation and mascara on top. And that dream of my voice being sung throughout the country, that dream is just beginning. Late at night, early in the morning, with tears, sore throats and lots of other beauties, I sing. Occasionally, it even sounds like another language depending on how tired I am, but I sing. To one little boy I sing of all I know, and some day, my children's children's children, will sing those songs, and my music will have been shared and spread across the nation. 

I speak of my reality not mockingly or in spite, but because it's mine, it's beautiful and I love it. In another 21 years, I just might find myself with a few quiet moments to myself, and I hope I sit in wonder like I do now, thinking of my countless dreams being fulfilled before my eyes in ways I never would have thought of. To many my life is simple and un-glamerous. To me my life is amazing, a fulfillment of years of dreams, with many more to fulfill. I hope to fill many more years with simple truth and I hope I maintain a love and passion for my sweet reality. 

The Sun Always Comes Out to Shine

A few days ago, I gave you a run down of the car troubles that my husband and I have been dealing with. When I concluded my last post, I was waiting for my husband and brother-in-law to return from the store with a new tool that we were confident was going to fix the car. Unfortunately, that was not how our day ended. The Baker men did get a new tool, in fact, they got a couple new tools, only for each one to break as they desperately tried to unscrew a bolt underneath the car that was so rusted to the car, it might as well have been welded in. For a few hours, they feverishly worked at this bolt trying everything. At about 6:00 pm, we admitted defeat and decided we would have to take the car into the auto shop. The problem was, in order to avoid paying for someone to tow the car, we would have to find some way, any way, to temporarily fix the car enough, that it could be driven a few miles to be fixed. Dan and Mike (Mike is my brother-in-law) decided they would drill all the way through the middle of our, ridiculous, nasty, rusty, ugly, little, problem causing bolt, and put another bolt through the middle, just to secure the car long enough to drive it to a mechanic. Ok, so maybe they didn't use those adjectives, but at that point in the day, I was using those and thinking a few others. It took about another hour and a half to drill through that stupid bolt. That thing just didn't want to budge. After they finished that ordeal, they headed off to the store for the last time. It was 8:30 by now, so I trudged inside, still wearing my PJ's and slippers, and put some left overs on the stove. I didn't want to know how much it was going to cost to fix that car, so for now, I was going to pretend like this wasn't happening.

The boys got back and quickly went to work on screwing the new bolt in. 15 minutes later, Dan came in, with a very discouraged look on his face that I've never seen before, and dropped a bolt, that was split in half, in my lap. This was the new bolt, that was supposed to be in that blasted car, but instead, it was sitting on my lap because it had decided, while being tightened that it was going to snap too. Without another word, Dan went outside, cleaned up the tools, came in and took a shower. He had just spent 12 hours. Let me say that again, 12 hours! on that car, only to have every effort made, thwarted. We talked for a minute before we went to bed about our game plan, Dan was going to put another bolt in the next morning and this time he wouldn't tighten it as much, that way it wouldn't snap, Monday, he'd have to get a ride from his brother in order to get to work and during his break that day he'd research options for mechanics and get a quote on how much this was going to cost. Tuesday, he'd take the car in and we'd get it fixed, hopefully this being the last time we have to do this. We both went to bed discouraged.

Sunday was Easter, so we put on a happy face and worked really hard to forget how stressed we actually were about how much this was going to cost and also all the hard work that had gone to waste the day before. The day went well, (minus the fact we forgot we had to walk to church so we were late), we had Mike and another friend over to eat and we played games and watched a movie. All in all, the day was great, but there was a cloud hanging over us as we went to bed. Dan got up early the next morning to go to work and I could see the slight sag in his shoulders as he walked out the door. He called me a few hours later to say he'd talked to a mechanic and the following is what we were going to have to do. Because the bolt couldn't be removed, they were going to replace the whole part on the car that this was connected to. Because of what part it was (don't ask me the name because I have no clue), we couldn't get it from an auto store, it would have to be specially ordered from the dealer of the car. Once they got the part, it should be no problem to fix, but it was going to cost us about 500 dollars for the part and 500 dollars for the labor. But, that's not all, because it was going to take so long for the special part to get here, we would be without a car until Saturday. This was a huge problem because Dan has to travel to get to work, so we were going to have to fork out money to rent a car for the week in order for Dan to get to work. To rent the car, we were looking at another 160 to 200 dollars. As Dan named these things off I started ticking other things off my list of wants (yes I'm that selfish), there goes the couch we don't have but were planning to get, there goes that shelf I wanted, Oh! and there goes the chest of drawers we also don't have but really need, and last but definitely not least, there goes my hopes of having a piano. After Dan told me what we'd have to do, I went and sat on the couch so I could have a pity party with myself. I looked around our apartment and started to cry. There were dishes lining the counter, I had piles of laundry to do, I felt like crap because I hadn't slept in 3 days and, we didn't have a car. As I sat there and cried, I looked out the window and do you want to guess what I saw? Rain. Of all things, it had started to rain. I couldn't believe my luck, this was a crappy day anyway, but add the gloomy clouds and buckets of rain, I didn't think it could get worse.

After I sat and moped for awhile, I decided there wasn't anything I could do about it so I was just going to put a smile on and take care of what I did have control over, such as dirty dishes. I went to work and my spirits started lifting. After a few hours of cleaning and a couple ensign articles, I was feeling much better. And what should I expect to find? Sunshine. Sunshine was spilling through my window. I had to smile as I looked outside at the beautiful world that had only hours before looked so gloomy and sad. This day was a testament to me, that no matter what happens, the sun always comes out to shine. It may take a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but the sun will always find a way to poke through those clouds to brighten our day. Yesterday Dan took the car in to the mechanic, and after a quick look, the mechanic informed us they wouldn't actually have to change the big part on the side, just a little bar that was attached to it. They had the part in stock so the car would be done by the next day and it was only going to cost us 200 dollars. I laughed and then cried when Dan told me. Our metaphorical sun had come out to shine. We weren't going to spending 1000 dollars on the car, we wouldn't have to rent a car to get by for the week and life was good. Let me rephrase that. Life is good. I knew someday, I'd look back at this silly fiasco and laugh. I'd laugh at how distraught I was, I'd laugh at how everything that should have gone right went wrong, and I'd laugh at the fact that in the long run, this wasn't that big of a deal. But it was even better to find myself smiling at the situation a few days later. For some reason, the Lord saw fit to bless us, just like he sees fit to make the sun shine after a nice hard rain.

Cars and Men, Need I Say More

Ten months ago, when my husband and I started out on this wonderful journey we call marriage, there was only one possession we had that was of any worth. Our gray, 2002, Mercury Sable. The car had been a gift from his sweet mother and step-father on his return from his mission. Before we got married, between courtship, and engagement, we had almost a years worth of mileage that had been put on this car by Dan. This car had been put through quite the runner for a few reasons, the main one being, during our year of dating, I lived about 3 hours away from the city Dan was living in. In order to maintain the relationship that had quickly run away from us, Dan would travel the 3 hours, which was about 300 miles, to see me on a weekend he didn't have work. He'd stay for 2, sometimes 3 days, and then he'd make the trip back. He made this trip every 2 to 3 weeks for a whole year. Needless to say, our car got a little used up. In June of 2012 we married and moved to the wonderful land of Provo, Utah to start our life. Upon arriving to Utah, we started noticing a loud squealing noise that was undoubtedly our breaks that was continuously getting worse. For close to 2 months, we avoided taking the car into a shop because we weren't looking forward to finding out what it was going to cost to fix our breaks. Finally, the breaks got to a point where the squealing noise was intolerable, so we took the car in. After a quick inspection, the mechanic came out to the waiting room to tell us that it was a miracle we'd been driving that car like that and hadn't had our breaks go out completely. The breaks were completely gone and the rotors were trashed. After 6 hours in the car shop, and a whopping 600 dollars, our car was like new! Or so we thought. That 600 dollars had been a bit of a bite, but we figured we wouldn't have to put any more money in the car for awhile, so it was no big deal. About 3 weeks later, we went out to dinner with Dan's side of the family, to celebrate the birthday of a cousin. When we left the restaurant to go home, our car wouldn't start. It was completely dead. We had accidentally left the lights on, so we thought the car had just died. Just have someone jump start the car, no problem, right? Wrong. The car was more than dead, it was...well....whatever is deader than dead, that's what our car was. So, we hitched a ride home, determined to call the mechanic in the morning and get our car up and going again. I hitched a ride to work the next morning and Dan stayed home to take care of the car. After another long wait in the car shop, they determined that our alternator needed replaced as well as our battery. That cost us another 500 dollars, but we breathed a sigh of relief because we were sure, that this was the last episode like this we'd have. 2 weeks later, Dan and I were on our way to the mall when we blew a tire. Now blowing a tire is something that happens to everybody, but by this point I was at my limit. I had decided that this car totally had it out for us. So, we changed the tire and took it into the shop, only to have them tell us that all of our tires have been worn so thin, that we're likely to blow them too if we didn't get them changed, which led to another 200 dollars worth of new tires. But it's ok, because this is the end of our worries, right? Wrong, 2 months later, out of no where, our engine light comes on. So, what do we do, we wait for 2 more months to decide that something is legitimately wrong with the car because it keeps making noises that aren't normal and we take it in. After another 6 hours in the car shop and a whopping 1,000 dollars, we find out that the tubes in the front of the car that apparently do something important, have disintegrated in some places and are busted in half, so the oil and other.....important things that are supposed to be getting in and out of the car, aren't. So, we fix it, pay the money, and smile as we walk out the door, because what else could possibly go wrong. We've already fixed the breaks, rotors, tires, alternator and now a bunch of little tubes and hoses. Pshht, our car is basically new, so, no worries. Not. It's been less than a month since that last car visit and Dan comes home saying that the shocks must have gone out on the car because every time we hit a bump we totally bottom out. Lovely, well this time, instead of taking it to the mechanic, Dan decided to fix it himself. Does anyone want to continue the story from here? Well this is actually a really frustrating but cute part of this story, you see, my husband loves cars, so he was actually excited  this morning when he got up to fix the car. Well, that was at 7:30 am. It is now 1:30 and after a whole morning out here, he's managed to take apart basically the whole car, bust a few bolts in half, cover himself, and everything he touches in grease and determine that this would all have only taken him 30 minutes if he could just get the bolt out. So I grin as I watch him, covered in grease, go under that car with a big smile, determined to fix the darn thing. I've no doubt, that by the end of the day, the car will definitely be fixed, after all, Dan's intelligent, and he's apparently changed shocks on a car before. The problem is, this isn't any car, this is our car, and it never seems to work out like it should, so I've been given the job of watching the tools that are now scattered all around the car, while Dan and his brother, excitedly go to the store to get some tool that's going to fix this whole mess, that I will later have to find a place for in our apartment that is already stuffed to the max. So what can I do, I sit, smile, and realize that this is just one more story to add to my beautiful disaster.

Excuses From a New Blogger

I had to laugh to myself today when I was sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs I thought, hmmm, I should make a blog post. I pulled up my blog and saw that the one and only post I'd published was from almost a year ago. Well today makes post number two! Since this is the real beginning of my blog I have a sort of explanation to make for why I've decided to become a blogger. I'm a stay at home mom "well, mom to be, the bun is still currently cooking" and I find myself constantly needing a place to throw my thoughts. I've refrained from putting my emotional vomit on Facebook because to me, Facebook is an easy place to look at everyone's gossip. And if you want a raise of hands from those who do it, mine would be among them, so I'm not criticizing, just stating the fact that those that can offer advice, and those that will actually care about my not so exciting life, will prove themselves by venturing to my blog. My second explanation, I'm not actually looking for people to read my blog, this is more of a way for me to express myself, and spare my poor husband who gets the brunt of my spouting off when I haven't had relevant time to discuss it with someone else. Explanation three, I find life ridiculously enjoyable, so why shouldn't I share? I constantly find myself laughing at the little everyday ironies, crying at the everyday monotonies, and occasionally screaming at the many everyday frustrations (like there being an endless supply of dirty dishes to wash). I am a 19 year old woman (some might argue I'm still a girl, but my marital status, and ever growing baby bump give me license to say otherwise), who is on a journey to become a happy and unavoidably disastrous wife, mother, and friend. My road so far has had it's fair share of bumps and disappointments, I often find myself getting caught up in the rainstorms of life, only to find that I missed the rainbows along the way. 90% of the time, I have no clue what I'm doing, but I find that somehow I keep living and learning. That's all I can ask for. As Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said in a talk not to many years ago, "Come What May and Love It", and so I would like to learn to do.

A Rebellion to Misery

So this is officially my first post that I've actually published. I've had a million composed in my head that never actually hit the keyboard, and a few that only halfway hit the keyboard. Last week I had a wonderfully ridiculous post( that never got posted) about how wretched my life was last week. This week (the whole one day of it) has, and is going to be AMAZING, simply because I'm tired of being miserable. Being miserable takes too much effort. So, I'm happy to say that my Prince and I went to bed early and got up early, I got him off to work with a pretty good breakfast, I exercised, made my meal plan for the next two weeks, made my grocery list, clipped coupons like a mad woman and made dinner. So, I'd say so far so good. No matter what it takes, I refuse to have a single bad day this week. (I suppose we'll see how much of my life I control). And now begins.............well continues....my beautiful disaster.